Stormy Weather

So, I have been a complete mess the last 3 months. Change is hard and neither moving forward or upward is a straight and easy path. When I’m conflicted I just stop, I reflect and then I wait. I disconnect from everything and everyone around me and I just let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Usually what I feel is like a storm raging inside of me. Some people are ashamed of this feeling but I’m not. It’s really no different then when I feel extremely happy. Both feelings can overwhelm and consume me.

A false start. I’ve been on a good path the last couple of years and then I slowly started messing it up. I manifested beautiful things. I started this blog. I got back into roller skating. I was reading to my heart’s content. I quit a job I hated and started a fulfilling job. Most importantly, I’ve been able to spend some much needed quality time with my family. My fear, which is why I have been in a funky mood these past few months, is driving along and not noticing the big cliff ahead.

Ok, here is where good things go bad, for me.

Failing to protecting my time and space – I’m a true Ram. I start out strong and bullish and then I burn out, with people and things. On top of running into things head first, being needed by others and being able to help others has become one of my toxic personality traits. I’m working through it but I know it stems from negative experiences in my childhood. When I’m engaging with family and friends who have a normal level of emotional dependency, it’s fine. Every now and then I meet someone who is EXTREMELY NEEDY, and because I am a people pleaser, I indulge them until it reaches a boiling point, like now. Between family and work, I barely have moments to do things for myself. The majority of my time cannot be spent entertaining a clingy person. I try to set boundaries but if you constantly breach them or even question them as if I am not meeting your expectations as a friend, I pull away. I like to avoid these kinds of situations all together, so I’m going to do more work on managing new relationships better at the onset. Today, I need to reset boundaries with the people in my life.

Putting too much on my plate – I’m learning the worst time for me to set goals is when I am feeling really good because I don’t always feel good. No one does. I learned my energy swings wildly from high to low as oppose to being on level most of the time and then at times slightly more or less energetic and focused. I’m either really productive or I do absolutely nothing. I try to work harder when I’m on an upswing so I can hang back when I start to decline. I used to berate myself when I felt like this but now I accepted this is how I operate. I fail at recognizing when I’m moving from high to low and adjusting my life accordingly. Today, I need to start a habit of checking in with myself and setting manageable goals for myself.

Not asking for help or support when I’m overwhelmed - Asking for help when I am experiencing a low period would be a smart move. It’s obvious I should do this but I don’t because it makes me feel weak. I also hate feeling like I owe someone, at all. I know there are people out there who sacrifice themselves for other people’s needs, as explained above, and I’m afraid of putting my burdens on them. Today, I can reassure myself there is a small list of people who I can be vulnerable with and I can ask them for help.

Being a workaholic - This new role is one of the most fulfilling in my professional career thus far and I’m constantly being told I’m doing a great job. This reassurance does nothing to help my insecurities. I fear losing my job and not being able to help take care of family. It’s something I thought I conquered when I was actually fired from a job that one time. (You can read about it here) I still have some deep rooted fears in spite of surviving unemployment. Today, I can work on my networking and building business relationships so I don’t feel trapped by a job.

Not maintaining healthy habits - Once I started working longer hours, I sacrificed eating at regular times. I stopped doing physical activity. My sleep became irregular or non-existent. My stress levels soared and I ate foods that are bad for me to compensate. All of this caused me to gain weight and turned me into a big ball of health risks. Today, I can drink water and take a walk. They don’t require a huge commitment and they are good for my mind as well as body. Not sacrificing my weekly skating therapy session for anyone is is a must as well. They are non-negotiable.

Hit Restart. I think I just knocked out a few therapy sessions in this one blog. But seriously, I think all the self-help work I did last year is working. I’m not sure I would be able to see the problems as clearly as I do now. Full disclosure, my first draft of this blog was full of complaints and it felt whiny. So, I add at least one solution for each problem. This internal storm is passing over, as the hymn goes. But first, today, I’m going to begin again.