Whose Task is This?

Over the last month, I have been slowly digesting, “The Courage to Be Disliked.” I had little idea of the book’s concepts or chosen philosophy. My only understanding of it was a self-help book. I needed help. I had clearly defined in a previous writing the ideals of which I needed to free myself. However, it had left a void and questions. How do I move forward with this presumably lighter version of myself? As the saying goes, seek and you shall find. Ask and the universe will answer and let me tell you, it has responded loudly.

So, on a suggestion from a reading group. I started listening to, “The Courage to Be Disliked.” I quickly came to understand I would be learning about the principles of Adlerian psychology or as it is more commonly known, individual psychology. I know I will have to listen to this several more times to fully grasp all the concepts. However, on this first go-round, a few things really stuck out to me. This is not a synopsis of the book. You can read those on other blogs on the internet. This is a reflection on how I interpreted one of these Adlerian ideals in my own world view, “Whose Task Is This”? Adler says relationship problems, whether it be between a parent and a child, friends, coworkers or partners, stems from people intruding on each other’s task whether those are physical, mental, or emotional.

For those of us finding ourselves chronically in the Captain’s chair of saving others (Captain Save-A-H** types), this lesson will be hard, and you may even reject what I’m about to say as harsh, even selfish or worse, irresponsible. However, if you can master it, you will save yourself a great deal of stress, anxiety, disappointment, and pain down the road. I was today years old when I realized my stepping in, giving advice, and stepping up to help others was helping no one. In fact (OK this is the part that hurts), it was hurting them further by denying them the lesson(s) they needed to learn for themselves. My constant helping was hurting people, wow.

It was not hard for me to accept the truth in this because I have a husband who is not familiar with Adler or his philosophies but has begun mastering this and has been very vocal about applying this ideal at home with our children. I have teenage kids and when the pandemic hit, I found myself like many parents, helping my kids navigate a new virtual school environment. The first couple of weeks, I was running myself ragged and annoying everyone including myself, constantly asking my kids if they were in class, were their cameras on, blah, blah, blah. I had put on my cape and named myself the hall monitor. It was stressing me out to be honest and for all my yelling they were not getting better at virtual schooling. One night out of frustration, I yelled at my husband for not helping me get the kids up. He told me to stop waking them up. It was their responsibility to get themselves up and I was preventing them from learning to get up on their own. (Ouch) I had to stop and laugh at myself. Also, I hate when he is right.

Now I ask myself -

Who is ultimately going to have to live with the consequences of these choices, good or bad? The answer to this important question is the key to identifying whose task it is to:

· Study and do their homework.

· Clean their room or fold their clothes.

· Pick a career.

· Decide who to date/marry.

· Choose a friend.

In the case of my children, my job is to set rules and punishments for breaking them. Not to run behind them dragging them through THEIR tasks. Forcing someone to do something has never helped them learn to do them on their own. Stay with me on this one. Let’s take it a step farther. Instead of telling them what to do with their lives every single second of the day, they have free will to choose who or what they will become now and in the future. We only told them they must be able to feed, clothe and shelter themselves. How they go about doing this is up to them because, at the end of the day, the only person suffering from the choices they will make for their lives is them.

I know firsthand how frustrating it was to have my parents force their will on me when it came to certain decisions in my life. While I do not believe my parents meant me any harm ever, the reality is for a long time this lack of decision over my own life delayed me from finding true happiness. No one is better off by having someone else dictate to them how their life should go. When your boss tells you that you are not ready for a promotion, but you have been working your butt off for one for many years, it is unfair and wrong. How can they tell you whether you are ready or not? Everyone deserves the opportunity to progress when they feel they are ready.

We all need to check our ego sometimes and stop thinking we know what is best for someone else. Giving advice is a totally useless practice. Give people options. It is better to help them more clearly form the decisions in front of them. For example, if a friend asks you whether they should take a job, instead of answering them, put the decision back in their hands. Ask them, what are the pros and cons of them taking the job? Once they list them, ask them if based on this information does it seem like a good idea to them? I promise you, if you just answer their question, whether it is yes or no, they will place the blame on you for the consequences of their decision. It is not your task to decide whether they should take a job.

Since studying this principle, I actively look to free myself from other people’s tasks. The first task I freed myself from was the burden of making everyone happy. Making anyone besides myself happy is not my task. Your happiness is not my task. In fact, I don’t need anyone to like me, I just need to like myself. If I strive to be a good person despite other people’s feelings towards me, I will not just like myself, I will love myself. This self-love to me is the core principle behind the book, “The Courage to Be Disliked.” Spending your entire life trying to please everyone will ensure you will be hated by many including yourself. You are the only person you truly have control over, making yourself happy should be the most important thing to you. Along those same lines, giving other people the opportunity to take responsibility for their own tasks will allow them to truly know self-love as well.